(I couldn’t resist this attempt at humor. Soon to be available on video)
It is with tremendous pleasure and humility that I announce my candidacy for the recently vacated position of President of Ukraine.
The Ukrainian people have suffered much recently having been brought to their knees by violence and the threat of civil war. Recently ousted President Viktor Yanukovych sealed his own political fate by failing to stem the recent violence in Ukraine’s capital city of Kiev leaving vacant the position of President.
There is now an opportunity for peace and reconstruction in this honorable nation. How can you help but admire the spirit of a nation whose national anthem is entitled, “Ukraine Has Not Yet Died!”. Now, that is a song of hope! That is a people I want to support.
Before the detractions begin to fly I will offer the following confessions. First, I have never been to Ukraine. But I have been to Russia and as many would agree, “What’s the difference?” Second, I do not speak Ukrainian. However, I do know some Russian words and phrases and as many would agree, “What’s the difference?”
This begs the question, what qualifies me to fill the office of President of Ukraine? Simple. I can do a better job than the predecessor. That is my campaign slogan and my campaign cry, “I can do better!” “Ya Mahzhoo Zrahbiti Krashye!”
What other qualifications do I have? Unlike most Americans, I know where Ukraine is. Also, unlike most Americans, I can identify the Ukrainian flag in a montage of world flags.
Most importantly, unlike most Americans I know what the primary issue of political division is in Ukraine. The eastern part of the country is sympathetic to the ambitions of Russian nationalists to restore the Soviet Union or a facsimile.
The western part of Ukraine desires an increased relationship with the European Union and, unlike most Americans; I know where Europe is. Moreover, there are nations in Europe where the native language is English and, unlike most Americans, I speak English!
So, the final question must be addressed. Why should an American lead a foreign nation? Quite frankly, I’m only offering to practice openly that which occurs in many parts of the world in secrecy.
Why waste the expense of propping up a puppet leader? Cut out the middleman. People of Ukraine! Assert your independence and vote for me, Steve Whalen for President of Ukraine. Because, just like most Americans when it comes to understanding world issues, “Ya Mahzhoo Zrahbiti Krashye!” “I Can Do Better!”
“My name is Steve Whalen and I approved this announcement”